Dolcelatte. It's blue, it's Italian. And that's about it.

Oh yeah, and Monty eats it by the ton. (or perhaps that should be "tonne", as our soon-to-be-introduced protagonists have recently begun weighing the stuff in metric). From time immemorial, Monty's ideal Saturday night entertainment has consisted of a sliver of dolcelatte, a wodge of crusty bread, and rogering the living daylights out of Flo. But as you can probably guess, mostly he has to settle for the bread and cheese, but he's happy enough as long as the dolch is dynamic.

Sadly, one Saturday not too long ago, Tesco's Finest Dolcelatte was weighed in the balance (in grams now, rather than ounces) and found wanting. It was, to use the technical term used for cheese which is not up to scratch, *bowf* (not boggin, but bowf. Boggin has altogether different connotations).

An unfortunate occurance, true, but one which would have had no further ramifications on the Mudshark Way of Life had not Mr Tesco decided that week to introduce a Cheese Complaints Box.

Overcome with civic duty, Monty seized his green crayon and scribbled a missive. Not content with trashing the cheese, in the heat of the moment he also wondered what had become of his favourite brand of orange juice, mysteriously missing from the shelves for some weeks.

All very well and good, but now was the point where he made his big mistake. He left his phone number!

A few days later, Flo was on the receiving end of an explanatory phone call from Mr Tesco re the disappearing fruit extract, (".. no demand for it, guv..") and not content with that, soon came the call explaining the lacklustre cheese. (inexplicable, apparently, but he did promise to "..keep an eye on it..". Monty and Flo have been plagued ever since with a vision of Mr Tesco sitting staring firmly at the dolcelatte day and night... )

Dear reader, the sad outcome of all this activity is that, unless some cosmic misfortune strikes between now and Saturday, Flo will be unable to stay her hand, and the following complaint will land in the large box atop Mr Tesco's Cheese Counter...
Dear Mr Tesco

I wish to complain about the platitudes we received from you last week. We have been getting platitudes from Tesco on a regular basis, but we feel that last week's were not up to the standard of your usual platitudes. Tesco enjoys a good reputation for the freshness and up-to-the-minute nature of it's platitudes, and we are sure you would not wish to have such loyal customers as ourselves seek our platitudes at a rival store. Please keep an eye on future platitudes to ensure maximum freshness and palatability.

Yours ever so sincerely, Flo & Monty Mudshark

Please, O Reader, e-mail me and talk me out of it!

an example of a fine piece of dolcelatte

an example of a bowf piece of dolcelatte
another nibble of cheese? all complaints to Mudshark Towers