So Who The Hell
Are The Mudsharks Anyway?

You've read the Family Archives. You've cheered as Florentina makes a Vile Peasant's life hell. You've laughed as Dudley casts a pall of gloom over the proceedings. You've felt rather alarmed at the thought of what the Wizard might be up to in his spare time. But mostly you've wondered what your favourite family actually look like . Yes you have, don't argue with me!!

Well wonder no more! Instead, find a safe hiding place behind the sofa, and peek out cautiously from time to time as you acquaint yourself more thoroughly with Magnificent Mudsharks. We begin with....

The High Priest of the Mudshark Family. Monty has assumed the mantle of leadership of the Clan owing to his superior height, restaurant technique and signature on the cheque book. Power rests uneasily on Monty's less than well-insulated noggin, but long years experience in winkling out unwilling relatives from their hiding places and forcing from them a definitive "..well, maybe.." in response to their requested presence at Family gatherings has bestowed upon him an aura of power and invincibility. Few would question Monty's rightful position as Master of the Universe. Except, perhaps.... Montague Mudshark
Florentina Mudshark Beloved spouse of Monty, Florentina likes to keep her vertically-enhanced husband on his toes (changing light bulbs mostly). Flo keeps herself out of mischief in and around the Towers by hunting peasants with her precision-trained were-chickens, devising new and invigorating recipes for The Noble Turnip (which she cultivates in exhuberant bounty in the fields surrounding the Great House) and writing herMemoires. To date, no amount of bribery by other Family members has been able to prevent any of these activities, but the Mudsharks are a sturdy breed, and hope is not yet dead. Florentina is oftime abetted in this latter project by...
The intellectual guru of the Mudshark Family, Dudley bears his burden with fortitude and only resorts to torture of innocent felines whenever he feels like it. Time weighs heavy on the Great Man's hands as he broods in his Crumbling Tower, and in order to lift the tedium of day to day existence, Dudley occupies his vast cranial capacity by publishing the Family Journal, "Shark, Strangeness and Charm" and occasionally breaking into a totally funky mandolin solo. Alas, even these pursuits cannot hold the ennui at bay for long, and other strange projects are brought to the boil (as is the Family laundry) within his lair.... Dudley Mudshark
Sylvia Mudshark Dudley's Good Lady; a woman of extraordinary organisational powers, Sylvia has progressed from organising the smooth running of the Family's drinking habits (no mean feat!), onward to even more resounding successes. In her position as Village Dictator, she ensures that the Vile Peasants are at all times aware of their duties, and does not flinch from the task of disembowelling those who stray from her carefully constructed time-table by the merest second. Many of the Family believe this is no way to treat the servants. "Such kindness and forebearance," they state, with breath indrawn, "can only lead to revolution and/or digestive disorders!" Sylvia continues to plough her own furrow, and clear the drains, and ensure that the yak-carts run on time.
The most enigmatic of the Family members, this strange necromancer can be seen floating around The Towers casting spells and incantations and hitting innocent rocks with a hammer. Sometimes ensconced within his Lair for days on end, from wherein come wierd flashes and beeping noises, The Wizard will leave his domain only in the most extreme of circumstances, such as running out of his supply of Foaming, Seething, Malevolent Ale. At these times of great stress, he will levitate off down the winding corridors to the Cavernous Kitchens to replenish his needs. "It is necessary," he booms, in a voice to strike fear into the heart of a very security guard, "for the continuation of my spell-casting, without which the fabric of Mudshark Towers would cease to exist!" (small thunderbolt for effect). Hastily, The Family urge upon him all he can carry, for Lo, they are Guillible. The Wizard
Harriet Mudshark It is fortunate indeed for Mudshark kind that Harriet has taken it upon herself to contain the worst excesses of The Wizard's thaumaturgy. Many years of studying his habits have enabled her to neutralise his spell-casting with a Word of Power. Though many other Mudsharks have practiced this word, still, it is only when the cry of "Beh-ZEHT!!" is uttered in Harriet's commanding tone that The Wizard's powers are contained. Despite this, Harriet has still not been able to master the command which will prevent the evaporation of a certain potent elixir in The Wizard's presence. Harriet has discovered that the only way to prevent it's loss is through noble self-sacrifice, and regularly, she forces herself to imbibe the elixir, at some cost!
: The Family Werehound. A most unusual specimen, Peep is part man, part hound, part carpet. He is unique amongst self-propelled cellular colonies in that he is the only creature ever to walk the earth who can find aesthetic beauty in eviscertated electronics. Not to mention that he can also usually find an assortment of dead rodents, things which used to be carrots and other edible delights. Peep has never thown away anything unless it is useful. Peep
Gregori Mudshark Gregori is the instigator of the Family's revolutionary communication system, the Sharkophonic Network. Gregori has also a (some might say) unhealthy interest in high explosives, and so it is not without some trepidation on the part of The Family that they take advantage of this system, for they know not if the piece of string they sieze will connect them with some long-distance relative, or remove the pin from some not-so-distant hand grenade. Ho, but Gregori has a sense of humour, what? In his youth, Gregori could land on his head succcessively without causing any damage whatsoever, and can always be relied upon to provide some life-threatening enterntainment at Family Gatherings.
Alexi is the Chief Scribe, and is his solemn duty to record all Family Events for posterity. Which, he assures sceptical relatives, he will do, just as soon as he has finished telling his amusing anecdote about the 3 yaks and the stage hand. This hilarious account was begun sometime in the 17th century, and many a Mudshark yet hopes that he will live to see its conclusion.... Alexi Mudshark
Igor Mudshark
Becoming somewhat impatient with Alexi's exciting tale, one day, Igor decided that the time had come to re-grout the Towers. Little has been seen of him since, although ...

swears he can, late at night, hear the distant sounds of a grouting trowel tapping in time with a catchy little Hank Crapper dance number. Other Family members have suggested to Pavlov that he stop putting that stuff in his tea, then, ok? Pavlov shares his life with the redoubtableDolores Mudshark, friend and confidante of...
.......Pavlov Mudshark
...Elanor Mudshark

...who was espoused of Dinsdale Mudshark some years back. Dinsdale mysteriously disappeared one day, while thinning his cabbages, as did Dolores' then-attachment, the infamous Slob O'Mudshark. Shortly afterwards, the Great Annex was built over the cabbage field, and Dolores and Eleanor have staunchly refused to let anyone dig up the patio.

Scurry back to Mudshark Towers and try to avoid bumping into any of these unsavoury characters