"If someone were to come up
and ask me..." Florentina Mudshark mused to
herself one day as she was saddling up for her latest raiding expedition to The
Village, "......what I thought was the most
important invention ever known to human kind - then I would be extremely
surprised, because I am not the sort of person who tolerates that kind of
behaviour from total strangers!"
"Tak me tae the end o' the road, wid ye?" the interloper
commanded, "Ah'm late fur mah appointment wi' mah aromatherapist, ye ken"
|Meanwhile, Florentina had troubles
of her own to contend with. Ever since Sylvia had staged a coup and
seized control of the village Cheese Shop, Flo had found herself a trifle
over-supplied with the stuff.
"Just popping in for a morsel of Old Amsterdam," she would inform Sylvia cheerfully as she entered the dim and pungent interior of the shop (reflecting as she held her nose that the place wasn't called the Green Cheese Shop for nothing!")
"How much was that, again?" Sylvia would enquire, in a vaguely threatening manner, wrapping both ends of her titinium cheese wire securely round each fist and tugging professionally
"Erm... well, maybe a ...pound...or.. six?... Sixteen pounds, yes that should keep us going through the night, what? Are you sure this stuff is properly mature?"
"It doesn't stay up all night drinking, smoking and dancing the lambada to the dulcet tones of Hot Cakes and the Inevitable Bacon* if that's what you mean!" countered Sylvia morosely
Transaction complete, Florentina struggled back to her yak-cart, staggering slightly under the weight of sixteen pounds of Old Amsterdam and a quarter ton of Peruvian lentils. "Poor old Rosie," she thought, looking at her beast standing quietly in a handy parking spot, calmy browsing on the meter "....the old girl is definitely getting past it, I don't know how much longer she can do the cheese run"
But Florentina was reluctant to put Rosie out to pasture just yet, because whereby her sedate manner ensured that the short trip from the Towers to the Village and back tended to take the best part of a day (or possibly even a week, depending on whether or not Flo got sidetracked at The Fin), this self-same bucolic nature meant that Rosie could be relied upon to squeeze out past the other yaks tethered nearby without indulging in the traditional bite to the haunches which would start one of those hilarious stampedes that made yak-carting such an entertaining pastime. On this day, burdened as she was with the cheese Florentina was more glad than ever of this attribute as she tugged Rosie's reins and her loyal yak eased her considerable haunches cautiously towards the next yak in line, until they were just touching, haunch to haunch. Flo sighed with relief as this tricky manouevre was accomplished without incident, and was just preparing to set off when a sudden and resounding THWACK produced a squeal of surprise from the startled beast, and Rosie leapt fully six feet into the air, performed several complicated ballet movements with both pairs of legs, before returning earthwards to land in exactly the same spot.
Amidst the general confusion, Florentina gave thanks the the dry cleaners was just around the corner.
She turned to see what had caused Rosie's uncharacteristic alarm, and saw a Vile Peasant with his hands on Rosie's considerable rump, the slap he had administered to this region being the souce of the panic.
"Ye ken yer beast's affa close tae yon inther ane?"
Two things occurred at this point: Florentina became aware that a Vile Peasant had dared to speak to her! A Mudshark, accosted in the street by a common pleb!!! But breeding will out, and in response, Flo rose magnificently to the challenge. "I could," she thought, attempt to teach the creature the error of its ways. I could reason with it thus:
Pausing but scarcely an intake of breath, Florentina dismissed this nonsense, pulled out a gun and shot the Vile Peasant dead. Blowing on the smoking end of the gun, she smiled to herself.
"Eat your heart out, Harrison Ford!"
Humming a merry tune and content with her good deed for the day, she made her way homewards.....
|Sadly, Rosie-the-Yak was so traumatised by these events
that Florentina was required to "retire" her " ("...what
is in these burgers, Flo.. unusually chewey texture, what?.."
said Monty some days later). Florentina just smiled, as well she might, for a
new beast had come into her life. Monty, ever the generous and attentive spouse
had presented her with - not a yak this time, but a gleaming, white,
mythical beast.. a graceful creature, ennobled by the addition of a single horn
on top of it's elegant head.|
"A unicorn!!" sighed Florentina "It's just what I've always wanted! Oh Monty, you are so good to me... get out the postman suit and the axle grease... it's party time tonight!" She leered at him knowingly, and Monty grinned in return.
..If the stupid woman thought the beast was a Unicorn, that was alright by him......
* It's a made-up band. It's a long story. Don't ask! Just get yer ass (or yer yak, or whatever herbivore you fancy) back toMudshark Towers
Or read some more of the Family's dubious exploits